Scribblings from the Mitchy Side

A SURVEY FROM GOD

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless
you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper

___ New Testament

___ Torah

___ Book of Mormon

___ Koran

___ Other Book

___ Television

___ Divine Inspiration

___ Word of mouth

___ Dead Sea scrolls

___ My mama done tol' me

___ Near-death Experience

___ Near-life experience

___ National Public Radio

___ Tabloid

___ Burning Shrubbery

___ Who?

___ Other (specify): _____________


2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ God of Israel

___ Jehovah

___ Allah

___ Just plain God

___ Krishna

___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)

___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)

___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)

___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No


If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal

___ Not omniscient

___ Not omnipotent

___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

___ Permits sex outside of marriage

___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)

___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___ Requires burnt offerings

___ Requires virgin sacrifices

___ Plays dice with the universe


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents

___ Needed a reason to live

___ Indoctrinated by society

___ Needed target for rage

___ Imaginary friend grew up

___ Hate to think for self

___ Wanted to meet girls/boys

___ Fear of death

___ To tick off parents

___ Needed a day away from work

___ Enjoy organ music

___ Needed focus on whom to despise

___ Needed to feel morally superior

___ Graduated from the tooth fairy

___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books

__ Tarot, Astrology

__ Star Trek re-runs

__ Fortune cookies

__ Annie's Mailbox

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll

__ Biorhythms

__ EST

__ Television

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggart

__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

__ Human Sacrifice

__ Wandering around in desert

__ Burning shrubbery

Other:_____________________


6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin

___ Cthulhu

___ Lottery

___ Baal

___ Beelzebub

___ The Almighty Dollar

___ The Conservative Right

___ Mick Jagger

___ Bill Gates

___ The Great Pumpkin

___ Ronald Reagan

___ A burning cabbage

___ mushrooms

___ Other: ________________


7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer:

___ More Divine Intervention

___ Less Divine Intervention

___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

___ Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?


8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

Disaster:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress

1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis

1 2 3 4 5 Dubya

1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns

1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship


9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5
excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy

1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers

1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?

1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?


10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services?